If I should have a daughter...

I woke up this morning to the news of a shooting massacre at a primary school in Connecticut in America. Little kids were killed in front of their classmates. There are no words to express the grief and shock and horror of the situation. I have actively avoided reading more about it as it will just start the waterworks again. The little man will be getting lots of extra cuddles today.

I've had this poem by American spoken word poet Sarah Kay bookmarked for a while now. I love the line '“Baby,” I’ll tell her “remember your mama is a worrier but your papa is a warrior".

####

“If I should have a daughter…“Instead of “Mom”, she’s gonna call me “Point B.” Because that way, she knows that no matter what happens, at least she can always find her way to me. And I’m going to paint the solar system on the back of her hands so that she has to learn the entire universe before she can say “Oh, I know that like the back of my hand.”

She’s gonna learn that this life will hit you, hard, in the face, wait for you to get back up so it can kick you in the stomach. But getting the wind knocked out of you is the only way to remind your lungs how much they like the taste of air. There is hurt, here, that cannot be fixed by band-aids or poetry, so the first time she realizes that Wonder-woman isn’t coming, I’ll make sure she knows she doesn’t have to wear the cape all by herself. Because no matter how wide you stretch your fingers, your hands will always be too small to catch all the pain you want to heal. Believe me, I’ve tried.

And “Baby,” I’ll tell her “don’t keep your nose up in the air like that, I know that trick, you’re just smelling for smoke so you can follow the trail back to a burning house so you can find the boy who lost everything in the fire to see if you can save him. Or else, find the boy who lit the fire in the first place to see if you can change him.”

But I know that she will anyway, so instead I’ll always keep an extra supply of chocolate and rain boots nearby, ‘cause there is no heartbreak that chocolate can’t fix. Okay, there’s a few heartbreaks chocolate can’t fix. But that’s what the rain boots are for, because rain will wash away everything if you let it.

I want her to see the world through the underside of a glass bottom boat, to look through a magnifying glass at the galaxies that exist on the pin point of a human mind. Because that’s how my mom taught me. That there’ll be days like this, “There’ll be days like this my momma said” when you open your hands to catch and wind up with only blisters and bruises. When you step out of the phone booth and try to fly and the very people you wanna save are the ones standing on your cape. When your boots will fill with rain and you’ll be up to your knees in disappointment and those are the very days you have all the more reason to say “thank you,” ‘cause there is nothing more beautiful than the way the ocean refuses to stop kissing the shoreline no matter how many times it’s sent away.

You will put the “win” in win some lose some, you will put the “star” in starting over and over, and no matter how many land mines erupt in a minute be sure your mind lands on the beauty of this funny place called life.

And yes, on a scale from one to over-trusting I am pretty damn naive but I want her to know that this world is made out of sugar. It can crumble so easily but don’t be afraid to stick your tongue out and taste it.

“Baby,” I’ll tell her “remember your mama is a worrier but your papa is a warrior and you are the girl with small hands and big eyes who never stops asking for more.”

Remember that good things come in threes and so do bad things and always apologize when you’ve done something wrong but don’t you ever apologize for the way your eyes refuse to stop shining.

Your voice is small but don’t ever stop singing and when they finally hand you heartbreak, slip hatred and war under your doorstep and hand you hand-outs on street corners of cynicism and defeat, you tell them that they really ought to meet your mother.”

Big love xx

On marriage.

 

Lee and I have now been married for fourteen days. It is 2,078 days since we met and exactly 190 days since we became parents. Out of those three milestones, I think that being parents has had the greatest impact on our lives, but we wouldn’t be married or have a baby if we hadn’t met, so meeting and becoming a couple is probably the most significant thing that has ever happened to either of us.

After we had been going out for about three years, I started joking to Lee about getting married. It is something that I always thought would be part of my story. I was a flowergirl seven (!) times when I was younger and had planned my wedding down to the tiniest detail. So when it started coming up in conversation with Lee, I absolutely thought that he would be feeling the same.

Well. That wasn’t what happened.

Lee is one of five kids and none of them are married. Neither are his parents. It had literally never occurred to him that he would get married one day. He wasn’t anti-marriage per se, he just didn’t see the point and thought that it was a waste of time and money.

Over the next few years, we debated the issue a lot. And I realized that doing something that is essentially only a glorified party, a piece of paper, and some photos is very hard to argue for. No matter how much I explained how much it meant to me, we got stuck on the ‘but what is the point?’ argument, and I had no answer. Eventually, I came around to the idea of not getting married. I embraced a Gen Y, pro-feminist, carefree attitude towards it. And eventually, I became comfortable and happy being Lee's 'partner' and not his wife.

And then we had a baby. This tiny, perfect thing that is exactly half Lee and half me. And we began this new project together, one that will never end. I wanted to be Lee’s wife again. I wanted to wear a wedding ring and have wedding photos on the wall. And tell Archie about our wedding one day.

But part of me still believed that marriage is pretty pointless. It really is just a glorified party and an excuse to wear a pretty dress and eat fancy things. It is a collection of archaic traditions that treat women as chattel, based on Christian and, earlier, Pagan traditions that are far removed from my life. Rates of divorce are higher than they’ve ever been. De facto partnerships have pretty much the same rights as married couples these days. The Marriage Act in Australia discriminates against same-sex partnerships. There are a million reasons why we shouldn’t have gotten married.

But you know what? Knowing all this, and still taking the risk, jumping off into the unknown, defying common sense and logic and doing something for no other reason but that we love each other, makes it more special.

We got to pick and choose the traditions that mean something to us (no to name changing, bouquet tossing, garters, first dances, cheesy photo sessions, rings for Lee; yes to Dad walking me down the aisle, speeches, flowers and a fabulous white dress) and surprise all our family and friends in the backyard of a house we built, with a tribe of kids running around high on sugar and ice cream.

We got to say meaningful things to each other in front of everyone, and promise to be the best people we can be for each other, for our son and for our community. We have an awesome story to tell the grandkids and awesome photos to back it up.

I have been asked a lot in the past week 'how does it feel to be married?'. Pretty much the same, on the surface. I read this by Rebecca Wolff on one of my favourite blogs 'Girls Gone Child' (I tried to edit it but couldn't take any bits out because it is all superb) (Also she has a son called Archer and is a mind-blowingly fantastic writer and a mum and is awesome and I want to be her a bit) :

Marriage is HARD. It's hard and it's weird and it's terrifying and lonely and all of these things we do not discuss when we repeat our vows. "For better or for worse" is a little on the vague side I think.

Anyway. I was listening to this song and thinking of Hal and what it felt like in the beginning of our relationship when the biggest challenge was who was going to sleep at who's house and how nobody really fights in the beginning of relationships because everyone is too busy posing and perfuming their assholes instead of you know, farting.

Which is awesome and I totally miss that because I'm a human being and that shit was fun. And hot. And non-farty. I miss the way life used to smell when Hal was making me mix tapes and I was cooking for him every night  and we were both these people that we weren't really but WANTED to be because we thought we were better that way. We thought we were more lovable with mix tapes and four course meals and ironic sweater vests and me in the makeup I wore to sleep.

None of that exists anymore but it didn't ever anyway. That's what I've come to realize over time. That the beginning doesn't really count. The beginning is basically a total bullshit lie.

In the beginning, we made each other "happy". Now? We make each other BETTER. Happy, too, but also unhappy. Because growth hurts and the truth can be brutal and that is how we grow. That is how we grow as a couple and grow our children and that is how we grow. 

I guess now that we are hitched, I do feel like we are more cemented and equipped to focus on making each other 'better', rather than just happy. We are a solid rock ready to take on the world. 

Love ya, manfriend.

Life now.

I don't put that many photos up here, mainly because I am a pretty average photographer, and even if I do take photos, I can rarely be bothered to actually get the photos off the camera in a reasonable time frame. Anyway, the other day I took some snaps of around our place. Keep in mind that I am not a stylist or a photographer and these are totally unedited. Compared to the before photos of our house, I think the place has come up pretty freaking well.

Seven things from a married lady (!)

1. I haven't written on here for so long! Mainly because I have been flat out with secret preparations for our WEDDING! It was on Saturday and was honestly the best day of my life. I will do a big blog post when I get more time and photos, because I need time to do it all justice. So, so magical and special. I am still buzzing three days later.

2. Archie had his six month health nurse check up yesterday - he will be six months this coming Saturday. He is 8.99 kilos and 70cms, so still a big bloke. The health nurse was very impressed with how well we had gone with getting rid of the dummy and working on his sleep. He has gone from waking up every two hours and having three 30-40 minute naps a day, to going to bed at 7pm and waking at 8am, with one or two feeds during the night. She said that because he is putting on weight so well and is eating solid foods, we could probably stop his night feeds. At first I was like, yay! More sleep! But last night when I was feeding him in the dark at 3am, and he was all sleepy and warm and gorgeous and snuggly in his sleeping bag, falling asleep at the breast, I didn't want to give up that middle-of-the night special time. So we will see. I think we will wait until after January anyway to implement any routine changes as we are staying at Lee's mum this weekend, then are going up to my dad's family's Christmas in Swan Hill, then staying at Torquay after Christmas, so he might be a bit frazzled from all the bed-hopping.

3. On that note, Christmas is in exactly  three weeks today! Crap! I haven't even thought about it because I've been so focussed on the wedding, but I am realising that I better get my act together. I have got presents for my parents and Archie, and need to get something for Ben and for the Kris Kringle presents. I am making flavoured olive oils for Lee's family so have to get onto that, and there are a few crafty things I want to do to celebrate Archie's first Christmas that I can't reveal yet as my mum reads this! I also want to get a photo with Santa and Archie too. And I haven't even put the tree up yet. Agh!

4. I have a massive uni project due tonight. Gulp! I feel like I have done a half-assed job because my mind has been elsewhere, but I will be so glad to get it over and done with.

5. I have made so many awesome friends since becoming a mum. I have the playgroup mums on Fridays, who are all lovely, and gym mums on Mondays, and then other mums who I catch up with intermittently too. Plus I have made one really good mum friend who is freaking awesome and I have to restrain myself from being too full on because I basically want to be her best friend.

6. Speaking of best friends, the photographer who did our wedding was amazing. We just connected so well and got on like a house on fire. I love when you meet people who just get you, and you secretly fall in love with them a bit and want to be their best friend and want them to like you and to come over for dinner and go shopping together. Anyway, we both just hit it off and hopefully can stay in touch (I will stalk her until we are BESTIES!).

7. Mums come in lots of different flavours. Someone in our family is about to get ( I don't think 'get' is really the right word... have? take custody of? welcome?) a permanent foster son. Mind. Blown. The kid is eight, and they have no other kids. I cannot even imagine how intense it must be to one day go from having no kids and lots of spare time and no one is dependent on you, and then BANG. School pickups, dinners, rules, tidying rooms, play dates, computer games. Full on parenting. What an experience.

Ok, so this post was going to be 'Ten things from a married lady' but Little Man is chatting to himself in his cot and his yabbers are getting more insistent, so I have abridged it to seven items. More to come!

Archie's Santa Wishlist

This will be Archie's first Christmas, yay! I'm pretty sure he will have no idea what is going on, but hey, I'm still really freaking excited about playing Santa. I have to restrain myself from buying him ridiculous amounts of things, but here are a few things that Santa might bring Archie.

The Make Me Iconic wooden tram. I have wanted this for SO LONG but couldn't really justify getting it for myself. Now that I have a kid I can finally get it. It's not like Archie's going to be allowed to play with it, anyway. I used to catch one of the old W Class rattler trams along Latrobe St everyday and it made me feel like a tourist in Melbourne. The roof of this handcrafted tram comes off and there are little wooden people inside to play with. Awesome.

The Cat and Mouse Pull-Along by Lark Made. I love old-school wooden toys (and Archie seems to as well)  and this cute little cat riding a scooter would be rad for the little guy to play with.

Anything from Fable Baby. I first saw some of their stuff at a Melbourne design market and LOVE IT. I usually shy away from putting Archie in really babyish clothes, as he looked babyish for about two weeks before morphing into a tiny boy person, but these printed leggings and hand knitted jumpers are gorgeous.

This vest hoodie from Minti. That bear! The colour! The baby hand-shaped pockets! Gah.

xx

Archie at five months.

So, Archie is five months old today. I know I say this every month, but it has gone so terrifyingly fast. I remember when he was two weeks old and part of me was impatient for him to grow up and be more interactive and responsive. And now I miss when he was just a tiny little baby and would snuggle and nap all day.

He is growing so much! He can roll over on his own and holds his head up with no problem. He has completely lost his babyish looks and now looks like a real little boy. He has started to stand up with me holding him for balance, and is so strong! I have to wrestle to get him into the carseat as he stiffens his whole body and won't bend, so I poke him in the guts (or 'punch him in the breadbasket' as my brother said) so get him to fit into the seat.

His sleeping habits are pretty crap at the moment. He has about three or four 45 minute naps during the day. Occasionally he will sleep for an hour which is always exciting, but generally they are pretty short. On a good night, he goes to bed at 7pm he wakes up for a feed at about 11pm and 3am, then is up at 6am. Every morning I try to get him to sleep longer but he refuses. I think the morning light wakes him up, so I might investigate making his room darker. On a bad night, which happens about once a week, he is up every two hours throughout the night and won't settle at all. This kills me, as I get only  short snatches of sleep and am a nervous wreck by the morning. I know now why sleep deprivation is a form of torture!

We are planning on starting solid food this weekend. I have been waiting until he is definitely ready, as I didn't want to start too early but he is starting to open and close his mouth when I am eating something and to chew on anything he grabs, which are apparently signs of being ready for solids. And now that he can hold his head up better too, I think it is time. I'm kind of looking forward to it, because it will be fun seeing what he does with the food. I imagine that he will have a huge appetite, if his size and breastfeeding prowess is anything to go by.

I've been doing a bit of research and I've decided to start with pumpkin puree. Most babies start on rice cereal, but our health nurse said that you don't have to start with that necessarily; it's just that everyone has always done that so now that's the norm. And I figure that he has to eat pumpkin and other veggies eventually, so we may as well start with them. And the rice cereal has no real nutritional benefit. We don't have a high chair yet so will have to sit him in Lee's lap or something to start, until he can sit up on his own.

We had a barbecue on Saturday with some of Lee's furniture designer friends and their partners and kids. There were a four year old, a three-and-a-half year old and a two-and-a-half year old, all boys, plus an eight-month-old girl and Archer. It was really, really, really great seeing all the little boys playing together and their parents 'parenting in action'. Lee and I were talking afterwards about how it was like looking into the future and imagining our family of boys. It was good to get my head around the possibility of having two boys and realising that I could in fact be okay as a parent of just boys, as I had always imagined myself having a girl next, but seeing all the kids on Saturday made the prospect of having two gorgeous little boys seem awesome and fun and rowdy and messy and perfect.

Currently...

 

Eating I don't know if you'd call it eating, but I've been drinking green smoothies like a crazy lady. I don't have a lot of time to make proper meals so have been stuffing all sorts of things into my blender and drinking it throughout the day. This morning I had spinach, cucumber, kiwi fruit, rockmelon, lemon, ginger and chia seeds. Yummo! To balance out the healthiness of the smoothies,  I also have a massive tub of lemon curd in the fridge and have been eating spoonfuls of that.

Reading So Archie has turned into a non-sleeping little monster baby. Three people now have recommended the book Save Our Sleep to me, so I downloaded an ebook of it yesterday and as of today we are on a new routine aimed at better sleeping. Hopefully it helps little man sleep better so everyone is happier! The book aims at having two big naps and one short nap a day, rather than the 5 40-minute sleeps Archie was having before. I find it helpful to have a plan of attack, as when I'm seriously sleep deprived I get so flustered that I literally have no idea what to do to help him, so with a schedule I can clearly see what has to happen next. Finger crossed this works!

Making I started uni this week (more on that later) which is awesome but pretty freaking full on. Because I'm working as an interior designer now too, it feels a bit weird doing these huge projects and not being able to invoice at the end of them! But otherwise I have been making the cross blanket still. I have made about 40 squares and have about 100 to go.

Thinking I have no idea how anyone with more than one kid does it. Seriously. There are days when I can hardly manage to dress myself or eat  so I have no idea how anyone could manage two kids, or more. Lee is one of five kids and I honestly cannot fathom how his mum did it.

Coveting More hair. My hair is STILL falling out in massive handfuls. It is so depressing! And it has faded to this weird brassy colour, but I don't want to colour it in case more falls out. Apparently post-partum hair loss usually clams down by about 6 months. God! By then I will be totally bald. My ponytail is a little scrawny thing. I told the Health Nurse and she suggested I cut it all off, but I'm not ready for a sensible 'mum' hairdo yet!

Working on a big commercial project for uni. It is a warehouse conversion project so there is lots of room to be creative. I love this part of it, where I can come up with crazy concepts and ideas and then have to pare it all back to something realistic. I am in a new group at school because I deferred to have Archie, and this group is all at different levels which is interesting. I feel a bit like the new kid though as they are all a bit cliquey but it is only early days!

Crafty good times.

I have SO many things I want to make. Lots of ideas flittering around in my head. But I tend to start something, get bored halfway then start something else. I have lots of unfinished things shoved in drawers and boxes.

So. I am taking a stand against the unfinished things and working on only one thing at a time until it is DONE.

This is what I am working on now:

• Crochet cross quilt. I have completed about 30 out of the 150 squares needed. The enormity of it is so intimidating, but I must persevere!
• Bibs for Archie
• Turn my red dress into a skirt
• Crochet a baby vest like this one
• Doily rug (a bit like this - basically it is a giant doily pattern made with huge hooks and super thick yarn)
• Geometric quilt (inspired by this and this)
• A wooden cube necklace
• This necklace 
• These wrist warmers 
• A dress kind of like this one 
• And 589, 456, 985 other things

Ten things for a Wednesday.

 

I just wrote an epic post but then it somehow disappeared and I died inside a little bit. Gaaaaaaaaaah. So I am writing this in Word and hopefully it won’t vanish again.

1. Archie is about three and a half months old. I have stopped going by weeks now as it was getting way too confusing. He is a champion eater and a pretty good sleeper. The sunny mornings have meant he is wide awake by 6.30, which is just a little bit too early for my liking! He goes down to sleep well though and has good naps in the day. He is showing so much personality now. I think he will be relaxed like his dad but talkative like his mum!
2. My friend Blaise just got engaged! Yay! She and her fiancé (!) are living in London at the moment but will be back home in about a year. I love weddings!
3. It is my cousin Jessica’s 3^rd birthday today. Happy birthday Jess! I am really close to my auntie Jac and I love that our kids are going to grow up together. Jessica loves cuddling and kissing ‘Baby Archie’ and I can see them dressing up and playing together when they are older.
4. I have been going to a ‘CryBaby’ exercise class for the past few Mondays. It is a pretty daggy 80s style aerobics class complete with grapevines and high kicks, but it is aimed at new mums. I can take Archie is in the pram and he lays next to me while I jump around and do sit ups and stuff. All the mums catch up for a coffee afterwards too which is lovely.

5. I made these salted choc-chip cookies with Nutella filling the other day. Oh my god. They are amazing, but kind of sickly. I can only eat one at a time. The downside (upside?) is that I now have half a jar of Nutella staring deliciously at me from the pantry. I tried to hide it from myself on a high shelf. Ha! That lasted about eight minutes before I climbed on the bench to get it down and scoop out a mouthful. Can’t believe I just admitted that on the internet.

6. On Sunday Lee declared that he felt like a trip to Ikea. I was gobsmacked, as he hates Ikea usually. He rants about how no one wants handmade furniture anymore because Ikea champions mass-produced, disposable crap. I am partial to a bit of Swedish goodness and think that Ikea makes good design accessible to people who may not usually care about the aesthetics of an object. Anyway, off we went. We picked up a few things (glasses, drawer dividers, a plastic bag holder) but the BEST thing was Ikea’s breastfeeding room. It is a secret little hidden corner of the restaurant with privacy panels, a comfy chair, TWO cushions, a blanket, toys and chairs for bigger kids and a stack of magazines, including the new Vogue Living. Go Ikea!

7. I can’t stop thinking about missing woman Jill Meagher. I have been to the Brunswick Green loads of times and the area around there feels perfectly safe. Horrible horrible horrible stuff.

8. Since we brought in austerity measures (no buying coffee, more cooking at home, no buying clothes (me) or tools (Lee), no wasting water or electricity) all I want to do is buy EVERYTHING. I spend way too long adding things to online shopping baskets then quickly closing the laptop before I buy all of Asos. I want new Hasbeens and a new dress and a new couch and a rug for the living room and and and…

9. I have working a bit more, doing the interior for a medical centre in Heidelberg. It’s a bit fancier than a standard office fitout and there’s a few more considerations like coved skirting and accessibility, but I’m loving working again. Especially as I get to work with my dad for the first time and we work in similar go-hard-or-go-home ways.

10. We got turf laid in the back and front yards last week. It makes such a difference to the feel of the place. No more mud! It’s so nice to be able to lay on the grass with Archie, just in time for spring. I’m looking forward to a summer of lazing under the fig tree, walks around the lake and alfresco dinners!

Em x 

Three months.

If you'd asked me a year ago to picture what life would be like now, my description would have been pretty far from the reality of right now. It is a year since I got pregnant and so much has changed in that time. I have been ripped open - literally and emotionally - and had my entire world turned upside down by a tiny (by tiny I mean huge) wriggly kidlet. Who ever thought that a little person who can't even control his own arms and who farts and burps like a tradesman would have such power over me! Before I had Archie, I told myself that I would always still be myself, make sure I had time for my own interests, would try bottle feeding so I can get some time away from the baby and would make time for Lee. Pffft. As if that has happened. Any time I get to myself I end up looking at photos of Archie on my phone and wondering what he is doing. My own interests involve doing design work while feeding him and sneaking in some sneaky crochet in the 20 minutes between Archie going to bed and me falling asleep on the couch. We tried expressing and bottle feeding so I could have a morning on my own, but I missed Archie so much that I came home after an hour. I miss him while he is asleep and sneak in to watch him snort and yabber in his sleep. He is really becoming a person now, instead of a little wiggly blob. He can clearly recognise faces and is quick to smile at anyone. We had a doctors appointment the other day and the doctor said, "Ooooh, he's a big flirt!" as he was grinning and batting his lashes at the receptionists and had them all wrapped around his little finger. Such a charmer! He can grab at the toys on his dangly activity mat thing. He has fallen in love with a lion toy called Ryan, and will lay down and chat to Ryan for ages.

His hair is growing longer, but he still has a little newborn tuft on top of his head. He looks like a chubbier version of Alfalfa from Little Rascals (blast from the past!). What a spunk.

I have been making more of an effort to get out a bit more, especially as the weather is getting nicer. I have made a few other mum friends which is so awesome, as this is such a full on experience that it is so reassuring to talk to other young mums who are in the same boat.

Some pics of the little monkey:

A day in the life.

I love reading about the minutiae of other people's lives- how often they change their sheets, what they eat for breakfast, what time they go to bed. And since becoming a mum and having a hell of a lot of time to ponder the minutiae of my own life, I wonder what all the other new stay-at-home mums are doing all day. Partially because I want to know that I'm not the only one who sometimes wears pyjamas until 4pm or possibly lets my son sit in his spewy onesie for longer than I should, and partially because I want to find a hot tip that will magically make everything a bit easier. Anyway, here is a rundown of a day in my life, in case you are interested. This is not really a typical day, but then I guess there isn't really a 'typical' day. He doesn't usually sleep as much as he did today, and we are usually out and about a bit more.

#####

5.30am - Lee's alarm goes off. I wake up in a total panic because Archie has SLEPT THROUGH since 8.30pm and I run into his room to make sure he is still breathing, then do a little happy dance when I realise he is okay and I have had EIGHT hours of sleep in a row. Please note that this is not at all a common occurrence so this probably isn't going to be the most typical of days. I think my excitement woke him up though, as he started squawking and waking up. I fed him for about 10 minutes then popped him back in bed.

6am - Lee leaves for work. I get back into bed and snooze whilst checking Facebook on my phone. My boobs are about to explode with milk as they aren't used to being full for this long so I basically lay in a puddle of leaking milk.

7.40am - Archie wakes up properly. I do a full feed and change him from a disposable nappy into a cloth one. He promptly does a massive spew over both of us. Change him again.

8am - I put Archie in his bouncer and being energised from having had so much sleep, I attempt to do the Jillian Michaels 30 Day Shred DVD. This is the first time I have exercised (apart from walking) since Archie was born, and I nearly died. I actually have no muscles. Archie giggles and grins at his sweaty, red mum flailing around in pyjamas and runners.

9.20am - Archie goes back to bed. He whinges for about 5 mins then falls straight asleep. I shower and get dressed properly. Have some porridge with blueberries, a cup of peppermint tea and a bottle of water while emailing, reading blogs and paying bills. Lee calls and we chat about how good it feels to have slept. I consider cleaning the house a bit.

10.45am - Archie wakes up with a poonami in his nappy. I'm pretty sure he stores his biggest poos up until he is wearing a cloth nappy, just to make it that little big grosser. I change him, scrape and soak the nappy and feed him.

11.20am - Put Archie on the floor and run around tidying while talking to him and stopping for baby smooches every two minutes.

12.20pm - Put Archie back to bed. I clean the kitchen, mop the floor and do two loads of washing. Eat some leftover tortilla for lunch. Realise I have nothing to take to mum's group this afternoon so cut up some strawberries at the back of the fridge and put them in a nice container.

1.00pm - Archie wakes up. Change him into a disposable nappy and a cute outfit. Play with him on the floor for a while.

1.20pm - Get in the car and leave for mum's group just around the corner. Feel slightly guilty that we didn't walk there but plan on going to the supermarket afterwards anyway.

1.30pm - Mum's group. We talk about sleep and settling techniques. Good to hang out with other mums and their gorgeous bubs. I feed Archie and he falls straight asleep in the pram.

3.30 - Go to Aldi. I know I need stuff but can't remember what exactly, so just get a bunch of random groceries.

4pm - Arch wakes up just as we get home. Feed and change into a cloth nappy. We hang out on the floor for a bit. I fold washing and chat to him.

5.20pm - Archie back in bed. I dick around on the internet for a while and watch the news while crocheting.

6.15pm - Awake again. Change into a cloth nappy. So much sleeping today! This is definitely not a normal example of a day. We do some tummy time and play for a bit then feed. He is really fussy and cranky and doesn't want to eat, but then yells when I take him off the boob. Fun times.

7.30pm - Lee gets home. We cook salmon and steamed broccoli with a spinach, walnut, blue cheese and apple salad. Here's a pic:

8.00am - I give Archie a top up feed, then he has a shower with Lee. He seems to like the water splashing on him.

8.30pm - I change him into a onesie and a disposable nappy, then give him a kiss and cuddle and pop him into bed. He is pretty good at falling asleep on his own, but needs a tight swaddle, a dummy and white noise playing on the iPad to get him to drift off. Hopefully he will sleep all night again, but I'm not getting my hopes up too much.

9pm- Lee and I watch Go Back Where You Came From and eat dinner, then will go to bed at about ten. Fingers crossed he sleeps all night!

Moving forward

I had my first mother's group meeting yesterday. Finally! I have been hanging out for it, as I literally don't know anyone else with tiny babies and have been getting pretty desperate for other mum friends. It got to the point that I was making slightly overeager conversation anytime I would meet another mum with a baby in the coffee shop down the road, or casually run into the front yard when I saw another mum walk past with a pram. What a weirdo.

It was pretty great. There were only five of us, although the health nurse said that there were 12 mums invited so some more might turn up over the next few weeks. I am definitely the youngest by a fair few years; most of the other mum seemed to be 30+. We spoke about our birth experiences, about breastfeeding, how we are or aren't coping with sleep deprivation and about our lives pre-baby. There are not many times that you get to discuss with virtual strangers how many vaginal stitches you had after labour or how constipated you were during pregnancy! I don't think I'm going to be lifelong friends with any of these women, but they all seemed lovely and it was so, so, SO good to talk about my experiences with people who understand and who won't get sick of baby talk.

Archie is doing so well. He is a little chubber- already into size 0 clothes that are meant for six month olds. He is so 'talkative' now, and LOUD. He gabbles away to himself in his cot or in his rocker, and gives anyone who talks to him the biggest goofiest grins. As soon as I leave the room he starts yelling out 'gah! GAH!' at me until I call out to him or come back. So cute.

Ch-ch-ch-changes

One of the biggest things that I have struggled with since having Archie (well, actually since becoming pregnant) is the total lack of control I have over my body. During my pregnancy, I had to accept and surrender to the fact that I couldn't just go-go-go all day and needed to rest and take care of myself for the sake of the growing baby in my tummy. My pelvis was literally splitting in two, I vomited constantly for the first three months, and my skin and hair took on a life of their own.

Since having Archie, I am lucky to only be a couple of kilos heavier than before I got pregnant, but my shape has changed completely. There has been quite a few meltdowns when I realised that despite being the same size that I was before I got preggers, I am a completely different shape now and hardly any of my pre-pregnancy clothes fit. The stack of vintage dresses that I wore pretty much constantly are meant for someone with a much tinier waist than the one my 9lbs 11oz baby left me with. Only a handful of my clothes are suitable for breastfeeding, so I have three outfits that I rotate daily. For someone who used to look forward to getting dressed in the morning and spent way too much money on clothes, this has been an interesting experience. In a way, it has made me more carefree and relaxed as I don't need to think about what I'm wearing, but I do miss putting together an outfit and feeling nice about myself.

The first six weeks or so of breastfeeding were great, but Archie has recently been getting really agitated during feedings and pulls off every few minutes to scream and flail around in pain. It is pretty distressing as it seems like I am hurting him somehow. The GP and maternal health nurse both diagnosed it as have an oversupply of milk and a Overactive Milk Ejection Reflex, meaning the milk squirts out too fast. The health nurse likened it to trying to drink from a fire hose blasting into your mouth, so no wonder Archie was struggling to feed! The milk does literally squirt across the room, all over Archie's face and up his nose. I can saturate the disposable breast pads in minutes and if he goes more than a few hours without feeding in the night I wake up in a sodden puddle of milk. Lovely. I have started only feeding one side per session to help regulate the amount of milk being produced, and feeding him laying down with him on top of me, so he has to suck 'uphill' instead of the milk pouring into his mouth.

I am learning to embrace my new mum body, complete with poochy tummy, thinning hair (!) and enormous leaky boobs. I'm slowly becoming more comfortable in my skin, despite the enormous overhaul I have been through physically. My body grew and sustained new life, birthed a big, healthy baby and now provides nourishment and comfort to a hungry, growing little boy.

Eight weeks

Archie was eight weeks old last Thursday and he'll be two months next Tuesday. The last few weeks have been pretty hard. He is still not much of a sleeper - only a few 20 minute naps during the day and up every three hours at night. Apparently babies his age should sleep up to 16 hours in 24 hours but he only sleeps about 11 at the most! I have been trying to be more vigilant about making sure he sleeps in his cot during the day, but that can mean spending a few hours rocking and patting him while he lays there wide awake and staring at me. He just rarely seems to get tired! He is growing at a great pace and still feeding really well. I am lucky to not have any issues with breastfeeding, except for a few problems with too much milk at the beginning. We are going to try expressing milk and bottle-feeding a bit so Lee can have a turn feeding him overnight and I can get a bit of a break.

Eight weeks of broken sleep and exhaustion is catching up with me. It sound terrible to admit it, but I think the novelty of having a new baby is starting to wear off a bit and there are a lot of times when it is just bloody difficult. I still haven't got a new mums group yet (apparently there is a shortage of mums in my area so the health nurse is waiting until there are a few more to start a new group) and don't really know anyone else with a new baby, so it feels a bit like I am the only person in the world home alone up to my elbows in nappies and tiny grow suits and spew.

He is smiling a lot more, which is gorgeous. He is a real charmer, and just when he is really unsettled and I've tried everything and have had enough, I'll look down and he is grinning up at me with a huge gummy smile! He is such a bloke as well. He burps and farts louder than a fully grown man and stinks! I don't know how such gross smells and sounds come from such a little cute guy!

Ten things for a Monday

1. Archie is freaking huge. At his last health check he weighed 5.5kg at four weeks and was 57cm long. In the supermarket the other day I met a FIVE MONTH OLD baby who was smaller than he is. Such a little fatty boomba! 2. I have been watching all eleven seasons of Grand Designs right from the first episodes in the nineties. It's been really ace to see the development of different architecture and styling trends over the last two decades. And I'm a bit in love with Kevin McCloud.

3. I finally got around to hanging art on our walls and decorating a bit more. Our house is a blend of nanna chic and modern pieces with scandinavian and handcrafted furniture. Total mish mash but I kind of love it.

4. We are getting more into the swing of things now with having the kiddo around. He sleeps from about 11pm to 9am with two quick feeds, then has a couple of short naps in the day. He loves the pram and being in the car, which makes it easy for us to get out and about. I have gotten the hang of feeding him in public so I don't have to rush home after a couple of hours so he doesn't crack the shits.

5. Another win: I think I have mastered the art of feeding and holding Archie while crocheting. A whole new world of opportunity to craft!

One month.

Baby boy is four weeks old this Thursday, and one month old on Saturday. We are getting into our groove a bit more now. There are a few moments when I feel like I have been doing this forever. I can change nappies with one hand and have mastered breastfeeding while walking around. But there are still lots of times when it feels like I have no idea what the hell I am doing, mostly when he is crying lots and can't be settled. 

Archie is growing so damn fast. He is already over 5kg and into clothes meant for 3 month old babies. He was really grizzly today so I spent the whole day carrying him and my arm is so achey now! He is much more alert and can recognise Lee and I's faces and follows us across the room with his eyes. He sleeps in four or five hour stints at night, which is great, and feeds every two hours during the day. He has a massive appetite and would literally just feed constantly if I let him. 

Better go, he is waking up and will be hungry again!

Ten things from the first two weeks.

1. I've never paid this much attention to poo and wee before. Archie did an explosive poo yesterday that shot out of his bum and sprayed me about two foot away. It also got the carpet and the wall. Seriously. He also weed straight up in the air, over his head, onto my face and in my mouth. Lovely.
2. SO MANY EMOTIONS. I know that new mums are supposed to be a bit hormonal and emo, but honestly, this is ridiculous. I swing from feeling like a five-year-old kid who just wants my mum to look after me, to feeling massively happy and awesome, to wanting to save all the babies in the world. Poor Lee cannot keep up with my moods.
3. There has been a constant stream of visitors, which is lovely. I literally have to schedule them all in at different times, because we only have a few coffee cups and chairs.
4. Lee hasn't taken any time of work, which has been really difficult. He is in the middle of a big project that will be signed off today, so hopefully next week he will be around more. It's kind of unavoidable, but I really just want him here so he doesn't miss out on the Archinator. 
5. I keep looking forward a lot to when he is bigger, or more interactive, or sleeping more, but then I remember that he is already two weeks old and will never be three days old or a brand newbie ever again. Gotta enjoy the present.
6. We have been for a few walks and trips to the shops and out for breakfast. I was really nervous that he would cry the whole time and we would be that annoying family with the screaming baby, but as soon as he gets in the pram he falls asleep. We had breakfast at Jackson Dodds, just around the corner, which is a really noisy cafe and he slept in the capsule the whole time, totally oblivious. Yay!
7. I cannot wait until I am fully healed and can go for long walks and start moving a bit more. After nine months of feeling nauseous and massive and sore, having some sort of control over my body again is an awesome feeling.
8. My mum has been a total godsend. I don't know how people who live away from their families manage to do it. She turns up most days and cleans, cooks us dinner, does washing, makes sure we are eating properly and showers the little guy with so much love. Love you Mum!
9. I am already thinking about the next kid. The first two weeks have been hard, but so magical that I can't help but fantasise about our eventual little family of four.
10. I am seriously paparazzi-ing the crap out of the little guy. I have my phone on me all the time and have taken an insane amount of photos already of his crazy facial expressions. He has Turtle Face, where he raises his eyebrows and sticks his head out really far; Guppy Face, with really wide open eyes and a tiny pursed mouth; and Crazy Piglet Face, which he pulls out when he spots a nipple and starts huffing and puffing and opening his mouth really wide while waving his head around like a crazy man. So freaking cute.

Archie's birth story.

Warning: this has all the gory details of the labour and birth!

Our beautiful little boy, known as Archie, Archiepoo, Argy-bargy, Archatron and Little Man, was born last Thursday June 7 at 5.34am at the birth centre at the Mercy Hospital in Heidelberg, weighing a whopping 4.4kg or 9lbs 11oz. He is 55cm long and has a head circumference of 37.5cm, which is bigger than the midwife had ever seen before!

I was having heaps of Braxton Hicks contractions on Tuesday and Wednesday, and had a feeling that the baby would be making an appearance shortly. On Wednesday afternoon at about 5pm, my mum and grandma called in for a coffee, and the contractions got more regular and stronger. We started timing them and they were about 10 minutes apart, but not particularly painful. I called Lee and told him he should probably come home. I called the birth centre and they said to call back when the contractions were about seven minutes apart and that I would be definitely having the baby that night!

Over the next two hours or so, the contractions started getting closer and closer. We got into bed and tried to sleep, but by about 10pm the contractions were five minutes apart and really painful. I was using TENS machine (a little machine that sends a mild electric current through electrodes that you stick to your back) which helped a bit as it gave me something to focus on. I was trying to get in the zone and just breath through the contractions, and that helped a lot.

Eventually I gave up on getting to sleep and got in the shower on a stool. I had a shower cap on and the noise of the water hitting the shower cap was a good distraction from the contractions. I was in the shower for about two hours, and was starting to get loud and screamy. Lee was still snoozing at this point, until I yelled out that we needed to get to the hospital NOW. This was at about 2.20am. I had gotten an outfit ready to wear, but there was no way I was putting on the leggings and boots and scarf and jacket that I had laid out. Lee bundled me into pyjamas and a dressing gown and we got in the car.

The car trip was probably the worst part of the whole labour. I was having full on screaming contractions at that point, and we had to go over two train lines, tram tracks and several speed humps to get to the hospital.  Lee parked in the drop-off carpark right at the front of the hospital doors.

We pressed the after-hours button (well, Lee pressed it and I bashed it a few times whilst screaming) and the doors wouldn’t open. A voice announced on the speaker that the doors were out of order and that we would have to use the other entrance. I got really panicky and started bashing on the doors and screaming, so Lee helped me walk to the other doors, which were only about 20m away.

I had an eye mask on, as reducing the light and any external distractions helped me to stay focussed, and a huge fluffy dressing gown and ugg boots and looked like a total crazy lady. I had a few more contractions in the foyer of the hospital, screaming and banging my fist on the walls, and the emergency room nurses rushed over and said, ‘You must be Emma, we’ve been expecting you!”

We finally made it to the birth centre and the midwives took me straight into the suite and up on the bed. I hadn’t met the midwife on duty, Sue, which took me by surprise a bit as I thought I had met most of them. At first she seemed old, matronly and abrupt, but she turned out to be awesome. I later found out that she is nearly 70 and has been a midwife for 50 years. She helped set up the birth centre model of maternity care and was a huge advocate in the seventies for natural birthing and drug-free labour. She has delivered thousands of babies and seriously knows her stuff.

Sue examined me and said that I was already 9cm dilated. This was so relieving, because if I was any less than 6cm I wasn’t sure how much longer I could keep going for. We had planned on staying at home for as long as possible, which was great, but in retrospect probably should have gone to the hospital a bit earlier!

I stripped naked and got into the shower on all fours. As soon as I got down on the ground, I got the urge to push. This was at about 3.30am. I started breathing and screaming and singing random tunes and grunting. Once the pushing urge came, I felt a lot better. The pain seemed more focussed and I felt more in control, like I had a job to do instead of just coping with the pain. There was also a bit more space between the contractions.

My mum had arrived at this point. It was really good having her there, to provide back-up for Lee and just for extra comfort for me.

Before the labour, I was adamant that I didn't want to be totally naked and exposed to the world and that I wanted to keep a nightie on. I didn’t want to use a mirror to see anything and I didn't want Mum or Lee to see all my bits. Well, all that went out the window pretty quickly! I was on all fours with my ass in the air, a mirror on the ground so the midwife could see what was happening, and Lee and Mum able to see everything. No shame!

I pushed in the shower for a while, then the midwife decided that I would be better off on the bed so we put the bed at an angle and I leant over it on all fours. She could see the baby at this point, so I knew there wasn’t far to go. My waters still hadn’t broken yet though, so he was still encased in the amniotic sac. I pushed here for a while but he was getting a bit stuck, so I moved onto the floor onto a birthing stool, which is a c-shaped stool. I was leaning over the edge of the bed and pushing with all my strength. Archie started crowning, which felt like hell. The birth classes had warned that I would feel a ‘strong burning sensation’ when the head made an appearance, but it was more like someone had taken a freaking blowtorch to my ladyparts!

After about twenty minutes of strong pushing, he popped out onto the mattress on the floor. Lee picked him up and handed him to me, then cut the umbilical cord and I climbed back on the bed for his first feed.

The feelings upon seeing him for the first time were completely overwhelming. I had a huge wave of love and excitement and exhaustion and sheer joy. It was total euphoria. Partially because I had just given birth to a healthy baby boy, and partially a huge relief that the labour was over. My first thought was that he seemed huge compared to other newborn babies, but I was rapt that he was so big and healthy and happy-looking.

It is true what they say: nothing prepares you for the love you have for your child. I remember looking at Mum in a whole new light, and thinking “So this is how you feel.” It is fierce, raw and primal. I love Lee, and I love my parents, but the kind of love I have for Archie means I would literally throw Lee and my parents and myself under a bus to protect him.

There was a lot of blood loss after the birth so I had an injection to speed up the placental delivery, which was fairly straightforward and easy. I was on such a high that I couldn’t feel much anyway. There was a little bit of tearing, so I had a few stitches. That was pretty horrible as I had to be in stirrups to have them done, but it was over quickly.

He was born with open eyes and a shock of dark hair. He began crying pretty much immediately, then stopped once he started feeding. I fed him for a while, which was magical. Lee held him while I got stitched up, then I had him on my chest for some skin-to-skin contact. My dad, Lee’s mum and my brother all came in. I was still on such a high, I wanted to show him off to everyone.

The midwife kept telling me what a good job I had done considering he was such a big boy. She was really encouraging and made me feel really proud. She kept telling me I was a lioness and an Amazon woman and made me want to do a victory lap around the room.

I was pretty terrified about the labour and birth, especially in the last few weeks of pregnancy, so I’m happy that it was pretty cruisy. There was no moment that I thought that I couldn’t do it or that it was too much. I had gone into it with the ideal situation being that I had no drugs, minimal intervention and lots of involvement from Lee, but I was prepared for things not going to plan. I am rapt that the ideal situation turned out to be what actually happened. I couldn’t have asked for a better labour and birth, and I ended up with the most perfect baby boy, which is all that really matters.

38 weeks.

  So close and yet so far away! You have turned around and have engaged in my pelvis which is great as it means no breech baby so I can deliver you naturally if everything goes to plan.

I’ve been on maternity leave for a couple of weeks now and am getting pretty bored and over it. I can’t move much and get tired really easily, and generally just feel like a giant heffalump. Lots of sitting around in my pyjamas watching movies and napping, which is fine, but I find it hard to relax and do nothing when there is still a lot to be done!

I REALLY can’t wait to meet you now. I never thought that I would be at the point where I am looking forward to the birth, as it terrifies me, but I do just want to get on with it now. Apparently first babies tend to come a bit late, so I probably have another two weeks to wait. Agh! Don’t know if I can handle that.

Your room is pretty much all set up, I’ll take some proper photos once I get around to it. Both the nannas, the Manfriend and I went to Baby Bunting on Saturday and got all the final things that we will need, like nappies and wipes and face washers and the pram. Mum and I are going again tomorrow to get the capsule installed properly and I think I’ll look at getting a baby sling too so I can carry you around.

You really are going to be a much-loved little person. So many people out here are hanging out to meet you and shower you with love and kisses. I can’t wait to be your mum.

Love,

Mum xx

Thirty-six weeks.

I am actually only a few days off being 37 weeks pregnant, which is considered full term. Gulp! I am realising that you could be born pretty much any day now. This is exciting and terrifying all at the same time. Over the last week or so I've been feeling really 'full' of you. My tummy is stretched tight and you don't have a lot of room to move around in there so I feel every little twitch. My hands and feet are swollen and sore, expecially my left hand. So many weird symptoms!

I have been slowly getting together the nursery together for your arrival. We have the bassinet ready and lots of nappies and clothes. I still need to get a few more things, like the pram and change table, but I think if you came tomorrow we would be fine.

My grandma had a dream that you will be born on June 11, which is about three weeks away. I wonder what kind of person you will be? Maybe you are an artist, or an amazing musician, or you will dedicate your life to helping people. You might be really funny or loud or shy or smart or sporty. You could be blonde or dark or a redhead. Can't wait to meet you and find out.

Love,

Mum